Seriously, Self - You're Pissing Me Off

On Monday, March 5th, I started a little eating experiment called the Leptin Rx. Note, this is five days ago. In the post, I even said that anyone who says they've "tried" everything but is still overweight or out of shape or whatever is not-their-ultimate-goal is probably talking a bunch of bullshit, that "trying" is not "doing."

And what did I do this week? I "tried."

For two days I was fine. Monday and Tuesday, were easy, with the most difficult challenge being eating quite as many eggs in the morning as were prescribed.

And then came Tuesday night.

After work, I heard from my husband, who went to a surgeon to see about the tumor in his shoulder. He's been taking a brutal medication to try to shrink it because it's in a really bad place for surgery if you ever want to use your arm again, and we found out last week that while it's not growing anymore, it's also not shrinking. The surgeon told him that at this size we're almost definitely looking at some or all loss of use. We're going to start radiation too and see if that helps but he's going to have to keep taking this awful stuff (Sutent) and that pisses me off.

We also found out that his lay off has been delayed for at least the sixth or seventh time. I won't go into why that's frustrating because I know a lot of people think we should be grateful that he still has a job and of course we are, in a way. But it is problematic for a lot of personal reasons.

Also after work, I went and helped with the Democratic caucus for a friend of mine, which was fun and something I'd never done before, but it meant I got home around bed time, WAY too amped to sleep.

So what did I do? Had a couple of bites of pasta, which is definitely not on the Leptin Rx (and made me gassy and gurgly almost immediately, for the record), and had a glass of wine. One became two as I did some late night work-work, and two became three.

Wednesday I ate like crap. Utter, complete crap. Which is pretty much always what happens after wine.

Thursday, not bad. But had wine again in the evening, and Friday was ridiculous.

So here we are at Saturday, with me knowing that really I should have dropped about five pounds of just excess water my body hangs onto when I eat like hell, and it's still hanging on.

Why. WHY? *****************WHY*********************

Did that wine and crap food help me at all to deal with the frustration over my husband's health and job? Did it make me mentally, physically and emotionally better able to deal with the myriad of things I have to do as basically a single parent in the evening? Did it make me proud of myself? Did it support a longer, healthier life? Did it really taste THAT GOOD?

OK well on that last one, yes, most of it was pretty tasty. BUT STILL!

So many aspects of my life are out of my control and it really pisses me off that those components have so much sway in my brain that I'd allow them to make choices for me. BAD choices. And they have for years.

I'm not beating myself up and don't need a group hug. I need to fucking step up and be a grown up, pretend like I'm having this talk with my children, because I sure as hell wouldn't tell them that it's OK to abuse yourself when you're not having a good day. They're learning it from me by example, which is another awesome aspect to my own stupid behavior, so YAY MOM, but I certainly wouldn't tell them that it's OK to do, so why am I telling myself the same thing?!

WHY AM I SO FREAKING WEAK AND STUPID SOMETIMES.

Gah.

That is all.